For years I hated myself. I would write long letters to myself, my mom, or whoever might find them explaining why I hate myself and why my hate was 100% justified. I felt I had logical reasoning for why I deserved to be hated by not only myself, but by everyone.
While I no longer write hate letters about myself, the habit didn’t disappear. I would have frequent breakdowns about how I am a waste of space, and apologize to my family and friends for inconveniencing them with my life.
I no longer feel this way, and writing about how I used to makes me sad, but also happy. It makes me happy because I’ve grown so much.
I didn’t date or drink in high school. When I got to college, I felt the need to prove I was “fun” and started to binge drink and search for a boyfriend. It wasn’t hard to find alcohol or a boyfriend. I wanted a boyfriend for a sake of a boyfriend, and sadly, I feel every relationship I’ve ever been in was for my need for validation and not because I cared about the guy ( if you are an ex – I’m sorry I was in it for all the wrong reasons.) I just needed someone to tell me they loved me, because I didn’t love me. I felt like having a boyfriend meant that I found that love. But I hadn’t found love in any of my relationships, actually some were quite abusive.
Now I’ve been single for the longest period of time since my freshman year of college, and it’s given me the power to finally say I love myself. I don’t care what other people think anymore ( as much). I don’t drink to fit in or ignore my problems. ( maybe a glass of wine at dinner tops). I’m just me and I like me.
For Halloween, I dressed up as Sailor Mars and my bestie was Sailor Moon. We made homemade pizza and watched a scary movie. That’s me. A homebody who loves food, good films, friends thats are like family, and nerdy costumes. I don’t like me, I love me.
Time to celebrate me,