Sometimes I forget.
I forget how far I’ve come. I forget how much my best friends love me. I forget how much my family cherishes me.
I forget that I’m allowed to not be perfect.
It’s not that I don’t love myself, I definitely do. It’s that I have a hard time balancing growth and perfection. I love myself, but that doesn’t mean I can’t grow or improve. At the same time, that doesn’t mean I can’t ever be proud of myself even if I’m not 100% perfect. I feel like I walk this weird line of always wanting to be the best version of me and becoming perfect.
I compare myself to everything and everyone. Thigh gaps are in, thigh gaps are out, to I should be above even knowing whether or not they touch. It’s hard to find what you truly care about with your Facebook and Instagram feed screaming at you how it should be. Then I remember even my Facebook lies.
This picture makes me and my ex-boyfriend like we are flawlessly in love. We are laughing. We are vacationing in Italy. We are basking in the sun.
In reality, I was fighting an inner battle to love myself when I felt constantly judged. I cried openly and loudly for an hour at a restaurant as my boyfriend contemplated drinking after weeks of sobriety. ( props to him for saying I didn’t embarrass him crying in public, though)
I’m sure you can guess what eventually broke us up – alcohol and anxiety.
It’s so easy to look at pictures like this and convince myself I was happy then, just as it’s easy to see pictures of beautiful girls, many of my friends, on social media and believe that they’ve managed to capture perfection. In reality, no one is perfect. In reality, life has no one right answer. Married or not, kids or no kids, grad school or law school or no post grad school, size 2 or size 12, none of these are absolute. They are all choices and together make me, me and you, you.
I think I do better when striving for something, but I think I’m going to make goals that reflect what I need more – acceptance.
1.Laugh at myself more.
Like when I thought I was fast enough to outrun the sprinklers when in downtown Boston. Clearly, I was wrong, but I’ve never been so happy to be wrong.
2. Accept compliments.
Why thank you.
3. Love my body
O is not a size. ( Ty One Tree Hill and Brooke Davis)
4. Give into your cravings ( sometimes)
I may or may not have grabbed McDonald’s fries after work today….
5. Positive talk
You rock, Elaina! Tysm, Elaina!
Thanks for your support y’all,